1 month old! - An update.

 

       This is my sweet baby girl Lucy this morning. I can't believe they are one month old (and outgrowing preemie clothes). Lucy came home on Christmas Eve, a lovely, very welcomed surprise. I visited them two days before it, and they still had their feeding tubes in, but I was able to hold them at the same time--for the first time. They must have had their tubes taken out the next day, which happened to be my birthday. Nice little present to me. Lucy has been a peach, and it is has been so natural having her home. I was worried about bringing her home and how my son would react but he has been taking it very well. When she cries, he goes over to her and says "baby!" and tries to give her a bottle or her pacifer. It's really precious.

 

Lochlan and Lucy

 

        Violet is still in the NICU because she had a few episodes of apnea of prematurity. It is very common. They forget to breathe for longer than 10 seconds; she has been doing this while eating. I believe I passed along my cold to them and her being all stuffed up is really the culprit. Nevertheless, she cannot be discharged until it has been 2 days since her last episode. To my knowledge, her last one was on Christmas day. I am currently waiting on a phone call back from their doctor about what the plan is, if there is one. It is Saturday and things can go slow like molasses in a hospital on a Saturday. So, while the babies are napping, I am updating.

         I have been healing just fine from the surgery. Getting a cold definitely prolonged my recovery, though. The coughing was very hard on my incision site. Today at the 1 month mark, I feel much, much better. Very tired, very happy, and much, much better. The anxiety of the pregnancy has officially been released. Now I am patiently waiting for the NICU days to be over. It has been nice to get some one-on-one time with Lucy but I am ready now to feel whole at home.

       People always want to try to convince you that parenthood is the hardest thing in the world. It has been very natural to Gavin and me, having them here and taking care of them, and spending our lives with them. We know when they are all 3 years old together, we will probably be pulling our hair out--but for now, we agree, life is good. There will always be naysayers.

        I just wanted to make a note about my previous post, my c section story. Everyone's birth story is different. Whatever your opinion of how you interpret my story to be, really doesn't matter. I'm telling you EXACTLY how it felt to me. And if you are pregnant and fearing a c section, all I can say is, whether you have the biggest panic attack over having your body paralyzed and numb from the waist down in under 5 minutes flat, or whether that is your idea of a relaxing spa moment -- the whole thing is over in 45 minutes - 1 hour tops. And in another hour after that, you will regain feeling. Slowly, but surely. It will all be okay, everything will be okay. On the bright side, vaginal delivery is no fucking picnic either. But always remember -- if mothers never forgot the pain of birth, there would be very little siblings in the world!

 







Birth & The NICU

My son is napping in a footed fleece pajama onesie with snowmen on it, out the window looks like a snowglobe, I have the Fireplace popping on my TV screen (hey, it's a New York apartment--no chance of a real one), and all is calm for a moment. I have a mild cold so I am unable to spend time with the girls until it passes. Seizing the opportunity to update my risky twin blog.

Thanksgiving was on the 28th this year, so by the time the morning of the 30th came along, I was still kind of in a white chocolate pumpkin cheesecake coma. My father, my mother, her significant other, and my husband all spent the days with me leading up to that Saturday. I was on the Labor and Delivery Floor starting that Thursday, the very day I turned 32 weeks, for continuous monitoring. It was pretty uneventful; played cards, watched TV, took pictures.

When I woke up on the day of scheduled delivery, at 32 weeks and 2 days along, I took a quick shower and then had a new IV line put in my arm. I put on my first hospital gown of my 8 week inpatient stay. The nurse helped me put the non-slip hospital socks on, and she ushered me down the halls with another nurse to the Operating Room. My husband was getting a quick coffee (fair!) and given a set of scrubs. He wasn't allowed in the OR until they were completely ready to truly begin the Caesarian.

It was pretty much how I had envisioned it. The room was extremely technical, stocked to the brim with various medical supplies; it actually could have been easily mistaken for a stockroom. Except there was a creepy, shockingly narrow steel table smack in the middle of it all. The lights were very bright and the whole room was very intimidating. I told the nurses this and we all shared a nervous laugh. I was trying my best to make light of how truly intimidating and horrifying the room was, and they tried to help me by saying "it's just supplies, really."

The anesthesiologist helped me sit up on the table, scooted me to the edge towards him and began injecting the spinal block of epidural. Then, an anesthesiologist who was clearly above him, moseyed in and began nit-picking with him about placement and such, really just a pissing contest, as in the end he agreed the first guy did everything correctly. This made me a touch nervous, but reassured me hearing the second guy confirm it was all okay. Getting an epidural is difficult because you cannot move while they are injecting a massive needle into your spine. If you move, it can destroy your nervous system and do serious permanent damage. Yay, fun, and not nerve-wracking at all! I must admit, though, getting an epidural is a lot easier when it is a planned delivery. With my son the year before, I was having contraction on top of each other by the time they were putting it in, and this made it unbelievably difficult to not move a muscle. With a regular epidural, you have a constant drip of the drug, and a button to push if you want extra along the way. With a block, like during my c section, it is a limited amount because the whole thing is very controlled.

After the spinal block, I was laid down. Even if I hadn't been 8 months pregnant with twins, the table was damn small. It truly freaked me out just how narrow. There was a point it was turned to the side with me on it, while I was vomiting (wee! yay!) so I wouldn't choke on it and die, and being turned was terrifying--especially because they forgot to warn me it was being turned. Grr.

The epidural set in fast -- too fast. Cue the weeping. I got a bit hysterical. Going from feeling like yourself, to being completely numb from the waist down in about, oh, 5 minutes flat, is terrifying. I felt like a prisoner in my own body. Absolutely paralyzed, like an anchor that had sunk to the bottom of the ocean. The nurses felt bad for me, and the doctors felt frustrated that I wasn't enjoying it--ha. They didn't say that; it's how they acted. Through both deliveries, it's the nurses who nurtured my emotional well-being. The doctors are just there for technicality and procedure. Sorry I'm not sorry, if you're a doctor reading this. Be nice to us, doctors. One day you will need a doctor, too.

The sheet was put up so I could not watch what was going on, thankfully. I began feeling very hot, very ill, very uncomfortable, nervous and sad. Finally my husband was allowed in, just when I was about to ask, where the hell is my husband? Let him in already! He was all "scrubbed in" with his cap, gown, shoe covers. He sat near my head & took pictures. He said why are you crying? We're about to meet our little girls. Everything's fine.

There was flurry of people near my stomach. I never really saw them, it's a blur. Then the exciting but dreaded word was announced and repeated back, "INCISION."

Then came the endless tugging. It's difficult to explain if you've never experienced a c section. I am not entirely sure was happening, but it felt like the lady was reaching inside of my womb and turning and positioning both babies. I was just staring vaguely near my husband, wide eyed, horrified, just laying there experiencing one of the strangest feelings I could ever try to physically and mentally process. Soon, Twin A was born. She came out crying, and I began crying. She was presented to us, sitting in the pediatrician's arms, crying and looked bigger than I had imagined. I was so happy! Then, out came Twin B. The pediatrician presented her to us; she was kind of holding on to him and quiet; he said she is fine, just too startled to cry. She was quite small and I was taken aback. Even though they were only a few feet away from us, my vision is crappy, and her foot looked like it had formed backwards or something. Luckily, this was an optical mistake and completely founded in delusion. Gavin snapped a picture of each girl. 

They were whisked away to the intermediate nursery where they were cleaned up and put in isolettes; their half-way stop before their new home in the NICU. Gavin was overjoyed, we agreed they looked great and that B was very small. He assured me they are fine. He snapped a picture of their cords--the reason all of this was so risky. They were tangled ten times with one loose knot right in the center of all the tangles. Yes, that is not a good thing, but it wound up looking a lot better than what I was imagining it to look like. B's cord was smaller. She had a 2 vessel cord instead of a 3 vessel cord like her sister (and like the rest of most of the world's population.) This means she was missing an artery in the cord; on top of sharing a placenta i.e. all nourishment, it is no wonder she came out one whole pound less than her sister. While the team began fixing me up, they took my husband with them to see the babies get cleaned up and such. Lucky him, that's what they did with our son, too. He's always the first to say I love you.

They suctioned out my uterus. EW. Then stitched it up, rearranged it back inside of me, then stitched the skin up with dissolvable stitches, and placed steri-strips along it. The gown was brought down over my body, and the curtain was taken away. Everyone who had been on the other side of the drape, watching this all happen, making it all happen -- they were all gone by the time the drape was taken away; it was peculiar to me. So very technical and common to them. Then I was transferred to a stretcher. Again, with the shifting narrow table turned to the side and I clutched on for dear life like a cat trying to be put in the bath. They assured me I wouldn't fall; I didn't believe them, not even for a second. I was on the stretcher, then taken to the recovery room. Gavin met up with me there. Maybe an hour or two later I was able to wiggle my leg. We laughed because we were both reminded of the scene in Kill Bill where Uma Thurman keeps saying "move your big toe, move your fucking big toe" after in a coma and experiencing atrophy. He left for a sandwich or something.

My dad came by to congratulate me, then he swooped up my son in the lobby. My mother and Bob came to congratulate me. They left and I was alone for a moment, exhausted. To my delight, they wheeled in Twin A -- Miss Lucy -- in her isolette and I was so over the moon happy. I opened one of the portholes and stroked her little soft red leg in utter amazement. After a few minutes, I said okay, go ahead and take her to the NICU. Then a few moments later, they wheeled me into the intermediate nursery, and I was able to see Twin B -- Miss Violet. She was so small I was afraid to bother her. I was just so happy to see them in the flesh. They took me back to the recovery area, and she was taken to the NICU with her sister.

Both girls were put on CPAP, these big tube looking things that create and airway to breathe better, but they were breathing room air all along. When Gavin visited them in the NICU with his mother, his brother, my father, my mother, and her boyfriend, they all saw them on CPAP. When I went to visit them the following morning, they had been taken off of it the night before, so they only needed it a couple of hours. Amazing!

I was taken back to the same room I had spent the following 8 weeks, which was a relief because it had become a second home to me. Getting transferred from the stretcher to my bed was horrific. They expected me to help move myself to encourage me to move a little bit. It was difficult to do. I had a catheter in me so I didn't have to get up to pee. They encouraged me to alternate sitting up and laying down to help blood flow and healing. The day of and the day following major surgery especially abdominal surgery, you are prone to nasty blood clots. I got several shots of heparin, a blood thinner, the day of & days following the surgery to help prevent it.

I could not keep any liquids down for several hours after surgery. I finally was able to keep down some soup later that night. I was so weak, and living off of scrolling through the pictures my husband took of our family meeting the girls in the NICU. It made me blissful to see pictures of them. They looked so good, I was so proud and relieved. Absolute miracle babies.

My husband was in a funny mood and it was driving me nuts because laughing hurt so much. You know the saying laughter is the best medicine? Well it is NOT, if you've had a caesarian. Good lord. Avoid any comedy at all costs for at least 3 days if you are going to have a c section.

My tips if you are going to have a c section:
- no comedy for 3 days, the laughter will make you cry -- in the worst way
- take your pain medicine regularly and insist your nurse wakes you up throughout the night to administer it to you
- if you want to give your baby breast milk, start pumping right away around the clock (yes, set alarms. you will have alarms set for pumping, and for when to take your pain medicine -- it is exhausting.)
- drink at least an entire pitcher of water the next morning, so when you get up to pee (with help & 2 people watching -- fun) they will let you come off of your IV line.
- shower but do not scrub the area & blow dry your incision site with a low, warm blow dryer
- do not use the wheelchair, walk (unless you are dizzy)
- do not let your husband try to tell you there is enough room in the hospital bed for him to share it with you now (because there isn't - get out!)
- do not drink with a straw, too much air
- do not eat until your nurse says its okay
- cheese, cracker, and cured meat and mild thai soup were fine on my stomach when I was ready to eat about 12+ hours later
- if you saw Bad Santa and remember "you ain't gonna shit right for a week" well, you're not. So deal with it. And fuck Colace it didn't work either time I've had babies. Just know it will probably be yet another terrible experience.

Fast forward two weeks later. The girls are still in their heated isolettes but are being weaned down and starting to be clothed, prepping them for open crib. Once they are both able to be in an open crib, they will be reunited (I cannot wait!!! They haven't seen or held each other since my belly!) They both have feeding tubes but are both working on taking bottles and the breast. Formula makes them both sick and they both are thriving on my breast milk, of which there is aplenty. The doctor and lactation consultant continue to be amazed at my supply, ha. My body definitely got the signal I had twins, even if they were 8 weeks early.

I am able to change their diapers, take their temperatures, and hold them. I love doing kangaroo care with them; they are tucked inside my shirt and we enjoy skin-on-skin cuddling for at least an hour, if not 3 hours, until my ass is numb and I need to get up to pee, or switch to the other baby.

They are outrageously precious. Each little sniffle, smile, pout, frown, fart, sneeze, is just perfect. They have no health complications thus far, and I thank my lucky stars. Their only hurdle now is getting off the feeding tube, getting to open crib, and packing on a bit of weight. At birth, Lucy was 4 pounds and Violet was 3; they are both up from their birth weights today, so that is good. They are making great progress. They really do look great. They look just like their brother when he was an infant last year.

When they were born, their pediatrician (nice guy) said they would be home in 2-3 weeks. Well, it has been 2 weeks. I am afraid to ask when they will be home now because I don't want to be let down. The dresser is finally up and stuffed to the brim with their clothes and whatnot, and the crib arrived yesterday. So, we are still reading up the house for their arrival, but I can't wait for them to get home. I miss them so much when I am away from them. I know they are in great hands, but I want them in my hands! Soon enough.

Hospital room view:



 

Holding Lucy

 

Left to right: Lochlan last July, Lucy, and Violet

 

Kangaroo care; the best!

 

11 days after the twins:

One of my last belly pictures .

 

It kinda looks like I have stretch marks, but I don't.. so must be funny lighting. There isn't a full length mirror here, so when I took this 5 days ago, I was shocked to see the picture myself! Ha :) The good news is my husband surprised me with an awesome Canon camera with a fancy lens; he bought a memory card for it last night and now we are all set to take some pictures of our girls!! Hurray for no more or minimal iPhone pictures :D

An update--TMI, not for the weak of heart

So far so good... I am technically in the early stages of labor as I have dilated to 3cm, but have not been progressing so I am laying low in my regular room again (I had to go up and have continuous for about 5 hours, not that bad though). Still having 2 NSTS a day.

This Thursday, Thanksgiving, I will be moved to the Labor and Delivery floor and be put on continuous. I will deliver sometime between then & Saturday. Probably Saturday because last I heard, the NICU is pretty full, and since it's not technically an emergency, they'd like to make sure there is adequate room for them. That, and the holiday...it could either be very busy or very slow. They will deliver right away if there is any sign of distress, though.

I am so nervous for my caesarian I cannot even express the element of terror it strikes in my heart. It's really quite a brutal act that makes me dry heave just thinking of it. I have been pretty good about refraining from googling it, and trying to really only direct my questions and concerns to my doctors. The image of them needing to place my womb on top of my stomach to sew it up then stuff it back in me then sew me up again will forever haunt my nightmares. And probably yours, too, now!

The terrible part is they bind your arms to the table. I have not been able to get this out of my head. It is also terrible that while you are numb, you still feel everything--all the tugging and what not. You are awake. Unless it is an emergency and there is no time for the epidural, then they knock you out with gas, which is also pretty terrifying. Some women request that the curtain is not put up because they want to watch the whole thing; brave, brave women! Eep! I could never.

When something is happening that I am uncomfortable with, what makes me feel better is to look away and have a finger in my mouth to bite down on until it is over (like getting an IV put in). But I can't do that this time because I won't be able to move my arms. My tongue will probably bleed. There are very scary risks that come along with a c section, but they are rare, especially if it is a scheduled one and not even an emergency.

I am worried about making the wrong choice by taking them "early" but honestly since I have dilated on my own (and already to a 3 out of 10), I doubt I would make it to 34 weeks anyway. We are in good hands... The OBs, the pediatricians, the nurses, and of course, ultimately, in the hands of one merciful God.

I am incredibly proud to have gotten this far in the pregnancy, and will be forever thankful. We still have a long road ahead of us. The girls' soon-to-be pediatrician said he thinks they will be home in 2-3 weeks, but I am not getting my hopes up. The standard is that they will be home by their real 40 week due date (our real due date is January 23rd), any time before then is bonus. Every baby is different, but before coming home, they must be able to regulate their own body temperature, take feedings without a feeding tube and keep it down, gain weight steadily, have lack of apnea, have absence of jaundice (nearly all preemies must spend time in "tanning beds" to photosynthesize the chemical in the blood to reverse jaundice--something that usually naturally occurs when they are carried to term), breathe room air...those are the main things.

It is going to blow my mind to meet them! My family and I are so excited! Thank you to everyone who has been following along in this crazy mono-mono journey with us and sending us well wishes, prayers, and inspirational notes. And of course all the baby gifts, haha! The girls are so spoiled already. :)

many thanks

I want to say thank you to everyone who is following my blog and has been writing me personal messages about my last post. It was definitely scary but the girls are looking great.

We recently purchased as well as received gifts of pretty much everything under the sun for the girls. Our tiny New York apartment is swimming in so many boxes of baby furniture and bags upon bags of baby clothing. It is so strange to go from having only a girly quilt we got them in Chinatown the weekend before I was admitted to the hospital, to having so much clothing there is no way they could possibly get around to wearing it all.

The girls will be here next week. I am so nervous and keep asking myself, am I making the right choice? (Bringing them into the world as early as the doctors will allow without it being a technical emergency). My inpatient stay is so close to just being a blurred memory already. It's hard to believe I've been here for so many weeks. I hope their NICU stay will fly by the same. Smoothly.

They will be here Thanksgivng or the day after. I find out tomorrow morning.

They have clothes, furniture, names, and so much love waiting for them here on the outside...I just can't wait.

to hell and back to limbo

im so unbelievably exhausted but wanted to jot down how my day was because it was intense. apologies for all the incorrect grammar im not even trying today.

reasons 9 pm last night - 2 pm today sucked.

• one baby had decels down in the 40s
• having to hear the doctor say sternly " you need to call your husband."
• my rabbit ate my husband's phone charger yesterday and he had to go and buy a new one
• had to be transferred to Labor and Delivery floor
• put on continuous monitoring for 12 hours, after a 3 hour NST
• my iphone was dead and I couldn't reach it plugged in
• had to share a room
• had to share a room and it was with a mom, her husband and her newborn twins
• had to have my 2nd round of steroids and they wear off 1-2 weeks after taking them. this is the last round my doctors will give me. praying it carries over to when I do deliver them (hopefully it will be as scheduled) so it is useful to their lungs.
• had to be on a magnesium IV for 12 hours and it made me sicker than I have ever been before -- I thought I was going to explode/burst into fire, covered in icepacks, eating ice, vomiting
• every time her twins cried, I cried. It was overwhelming. It was beautiful to hear them cry, so I cried. It was depressing to hear them cry, because they weren't mine and this lady was already with her twinnies, so I cried. They cried, and I cried because of the anxiety of monitoring. Sad sad sad.
• they wouldn't let me eat but didn't want to anyway
• when I finally got lunch, it was plain pasta zero sauce zero salt that had been reheated in a way that made it crunchy rendering it entirely inedible
• had to use a bed pan in a room with other people in it -- humiliation at its finest
• something about that room made me sneeze a lot

reasons today didn't suck:

• after the deceleration scares, and hooked up to IV etc, the twins actually gave pretty lovely readings the whole other 12 hours. go figure. but would rather it be that way of course! the doctors had no way of knowing and I am glad they took the precautions they did even if they scarred me for life and if I ever hear the word magnesium after this hospital stay I cant say for sure whether my eye will twitch but my guess is it will
• I was able to come back down to my room which is highly preferred even though I will be paranoid from here on out about having to go back upstairs and have last night/this morning repeated
• my dad bought me chipotle and hot chocolate, yum! can you tell I am pregnant
• I got a nice little 3 hour visit with my son in today which was a breath of fresh air...he's been acting up lately because his mommy and daddy are never home but today he was a sweet little treat
• lots of people still came into my room after I got back but the day nurse left me alone pretty much. yay!

tonight we will be doing a NST, i'll have vitals done, then at 3am I have to get my 2nd shot of steroids. really hope it goes smoothly, I feel so weak I don't know i'd have it in me to have a repeat of last night *shudder*

30 weeks!

Another scare...had many dips in one of the baby's heart rate and needed to be monitored for several hours. It resolved finally, but it was a total nightmare. A C-section was starting to feel imminent...

...it was 11/12/13...it was snowing, the first snowfall of the season... Things that made the day inherently special, made me feel like it just might happen.

I was crying to my husband how I just wasn't ready. He reminded me of his good friend who we just learned was born emergently at 28 weeks; not only that, but the doctor had a heart attack (!) right in the middle of cutting his mom open. You would never guess by meeting him that he had a rough start! He reminded me I was nearly 2 weeks past that and that everything would be okay.

After feeling really pressured to push past 32 by my doctors, finally today my MFM came to speak with me today. She will have me speak with the pediatrician at 31 weeks (so in one week) about 32-week babies. I will also have another round of steroid shots next week as well as a shot of magnesium, and I will be put on the schedule (!!!) for my C-section at 32 weeks, unless I want to "squeak by" as she said. This makes me so happy! I finally feel supported by them. They say the twins are looking great. But you know what, it's better to take them when it all checks out versus when things are starting to get murky. It's like Seinfeld. They let it go on for a while then cancelled it before it got bad. Yep, just like Seinfeld.

These are obviously not my babies but they are a depiction of a monoamniotic-monochorionic twin pregnancy...so this is how they are set up in there. Fun to see a visual!
 

 

 

29+ weeks and counting!

Now THIS is a happy sight! I walked out of my room and saw a precious newborn "bed" that is used for the hospital nursery as well as when the baby is rooming-in with you at the hospital. Sadly, this isn't an option for me this go round just because they will need to be in the NICU...but nevertheless, it got me excited!

 

 

This is my bump today! 29.5 weeks!

 

 

 

This week my mother-in-law took our son to Cape Cod to spend time with her & that side of the family. She is a real estate agent there right in Chatham, and her office is like a little house. She has been taking him there with her daily & putting him to work, haha! These pictures crack me up! It really looks like he is doing the chores. What a good boy.



Okay, enough pictures for this post... If you read my last post about my first scare here, in the past 4 days since I put it up, I have learned a lot more about my monitoring. What's normal, what's not, exactly what they are looking for and for how long they want to see it happen, reasons to keep me on longer, all that. A lot is out of my control so it is really nice to at least have a good understanding of everything.

 

If my girls are very active, which is more often than not, we have to try to calm them down. If they are asleep, we have to try to wake them up. When they sleep, they don't have big accels or decels--which is what they need for the NST. Can't win, haha!

 

My babies are looking great though, and we should be scheduling my c section soon YAY.

 

 

18 days, 10 hours left...!!! Give or take :)

 

 

 

First scare

Today was a little bit scary! During my morning NST, one of the twins' heart rate accelerated to 200 bpm twice (the normal range for a baby in utero is 110-160). I had to stay on another 20 minutes to see if her heart rate would resolve or not. This was the first time the nurse came in to tell me the doctors were scared. She did resolve beautifully though, thank goodness. If it were to accelerate twice more in the following 20 minutes, I would be taken upstairs and put on continuous monitoring--only allowed to get up to bathe, really. I would stay on continuous until it either resolved after a minimum of 12 hours, or, if it continued to stay up around 200, they would cut me open and get them out.

She passed with flying colors in the following 20 minutes...my heart rate was up of course which didn't help. It goes up for them when they are really excited, or in distress, or if I am dehydrated. That's why if I were to go upstairs I'd also be hooked up to IVs straight away.

Soon after, I had my follow-up fetal echocardiograph ultrasound (hearts). It's just routine to do it every 4 weeks with identical twinning. It takes about an hour per baby, so it's exhausting. They both look great and there is no sign of TTTS twin-to-twin transfusion. (I really ought to make a whole post about all the abbreviations I hear and see all the time!) During their growth scan a few days ago we discovered there is only a 10% size discrepancy, so TTTS is really not a concern at this point. They start worrying when it climbs to 20%. TTTS can either be treated or it can be absolutely devastating, so I will continue to thank my lucky stars.

I had a nice weekend with the husband, lots of cuddling and TV and nearly an unbearable amount of food that is bad for us. Perfect!

My mother in law took our son Sunday back to Cape Cod with her for the week to give us all a break on our end. He is calling my husband's twin brother "Dada" which I think is funny and cute, but poor Gavin is not amused. He misses him so much with how much he is working currently. He is a sweet papa bear. I can only imagine how protective he is going to be of these girls.

When my mother in law stopped by to pick up our little man, she passed along a present from her friend Fleur who bought the cutest little booties for the girls! I'll put a picture below. The two sock booties in the picture Gavin bought, but the others are from this sweet woman! Thank you I just know they are going to be the most adorable little ladies with all the glitter and ruffles and bows! Gavin is buying a huge chunk of all the stuff they need this weekend coming up, I will do a post about what we get. Too much cuteness.

 

The bakery down the street is awesome. It was a blessing in disguise that they have a $10 card minimum so we had to buy all these goodies. Guava rugelach, carrot cake cupcake with cream cheese frosting, carroty walnuty raisiny muffin that was actually really good, peanut butter cookies, oatmeal cookies, and cookies that had white, milk, AND dark chocolate chips in them..:

 

 

My life. Sometimes the girls stay in position when we wedge towels around me:

 

 

Now THIS is a truly beautiful sight. It's a sign on my door telling the nurse assistants to not wake me for nightly/very early vitals! They used to come in here all hours to take my temperature and blood pressure. I am the type of person that has a hard time getting back to sleep once I am up, and it was getting to the point where I was hardly getting 4 hours of sleep. This has been a huge help!

 

 

Just Amazing!

Attempting to reenact for you how amazing it was to get this piece of mail from my sweet cousin Karla!!! This would make a normal person tear up, now imagine with all those emotions and hormones running through you haha! Thank you I love you!

 

 

 



 

 

My thinking.

I spoke with my MFM this morning and she said all the things I needed to hear. She sets the goal for 34 weeks, but many are stripped of the choice and they have to take them sooner. I am not denying that it is awesome to get them that far. But if something were to take a sudden turn after 32 weeks, I could never forgive myself if the result was devastating.

I am thinking to what my reasoning is keeping them in there past 32, when that is a perfectly fine time to take them given not only the success rate, but the recovery time, and the general lack of long term problems. My main reasons are for packing on weight and to be born with the potential advantage of being able to breastfeed a lot easier/able to at least take a bottle instead of feeding tubes. I know there are other good reasons to keep them in too, of course, and that's why I need to sit down with the neonatologist again. But going off of those reasons alone, aren't really good enough in my opinion to not take them sooner to be sure of their safety. The basic NICU stay range for a 32 weeker is 3-5 weeks, maybe shorter, maybe longer. I would rather live with that and visit them a few extra weeks versus not ever getting the chance to know them because I lost them to some issue that suddenly popped up.

My MFM said I can get to 32 and take it day by day on continuous monitoring, but that it would also be appropriate if I just really wanted them to be taken right at 32. I can breathe easier knowing they aren't forcing me to push them to a further date, but comforted that they feel confident enough to deal with trying to push it--a lot of places don't. I also just would really like to avoid an emergency.

I've seen their cords, they're tangled in a big ball. I'm worried about compression or presence of true knots as the babies and cords grow. Even with aggressive monitoring, things can be missed. I just don't want to take that chance really...

2 weeks down!

My goodness, the past several days have been down right exhausting! In short, the babies are doing great. The monitoring can either take 25 minutes or a few hours, and I just hate how it's a toss up. Besides the good news that they are steadily getting bigger (well, my belly sure is, so they must be) and healthy all around, I have been seizing my precious hours off the monitors and walking around with my dad and little boy. I believe I have a growth scan tomorrow to gage their weights but they should be around 2 pounds a piece.

Today is husband day, though! Yay! I only get to see him twice a week because of his busy schedule. We are going to spend the night eating food that is bad for us and watching the funny Will Ferrell movie "Step Brothers". Earlier he snuck me out to brunch al fresco in the sunny, brisk fall weather. Our little man slept through most of it. Hooray for husband day.

Wanted to share pictures from the week:

The girls are about the size of a head of cauliflower each this week.

 

tête-à-tête:

 

 

I think she looks like me. What do you think?

 

 

Lots of this:

 

 

Lots of that:

 

 

a little bit of Halloween, too:

 

 

and today, Husband Day! Glorious cornflake crusted French toast with caramel hiding underneath. His lamb burger with goat cheese and mint pesto was good too.

 

He is spoiling them already.

 

 

Little girl stuff is CUTE.



The NICU

I toured my future this morning.

The NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) was shown to me. I cannot express how sobering it was to experience it. The first child I came upon was a 29-weeker. (I'm 27 weeks). I've seen many, many pictures of preemies but it is so very different when they are right in front of you.

I've been relatively good about taking this all day by day, but I was obviously very excited to reach viability (23-24 weeks). I did alright seeing the babies that I did today, but I have to admit that if there had been a 23/24-weeker in there, I would have had to step out.

There is no denying that I feel so much more safe staying in the hospital, and that I wouldn't rather my babies be in anyone else's care once they make their grand appearance. As difficult as it was to process what I was seeing and having explained to me, looking at them, I just longed to pick them up and give them a nice cuddle. I wanted to get in that isolette and kiss the bottoms of those tee-tiny feet. The toes, oh, the toes!

In 49 days or less, my preemie ballerinas will be here. The moment they are showing a sign of true distress, or 49 days from now; whichever comes first, that is when I will deliver. It's hard to wrap my brain around it. I cannot believe there's 2 of them! I don't think I'll really believe we're being blessed with twins until I lay my eyes on them and am spending time with them.

Three different people here told me today "stay pregnant!" I'm tryinggg! Trust me, it's all I want. That, and to gain weight. I am really disappointed that I am not only not gaining how I want to, but this week I actually lost a little bit of weight. I mentioned in a different post that I met with the nutritionist here; the dietician came in today to speak with me...In my mind, dietician and nutritionist are interchangeable but by meeting the lady today, it's clear that she is with whom I needed to speak. She is putting me on Ensure drinks 2x a day as well as including high protein snacks along with my meals (& I'm still able to scribble in add-ons to my menus). Every ounce on my babies counts.

I really wanted to make this an eloquent post because the experience I had today really shook up my whole world, and no, I won't ever be the same again. But, I think if I even attempted to get in touch with the part of me that could make this the poetic post that it really does deserve, I'd spend the rest of the night crying in the shower. Instead I will leave it at what it is and share a snip-it from my NST tonight. I am so proud of these girls getting this far, playing nice-nice in there, and letting me carry them to another day. Every day counts.

One-minute video of my ponies galloping tonight (every swoosh is one of them moving) :



Sheilla is...Not a Punk Rocker.

Sheilla is not a punk rocker. But she is my favorite nurse here. She completely understands my girls' personalities and it makes being monitored so much easier and faster. When I see that she's my night nurse I am so happy because I know the NST will be over with in about 30 minutes flat. She also doesn't talk just to talk, but she talks enough that's it's not awkward. She is the only one that says they are active and doesn't mean it in a complaining and annoyed way...too many of them act like it's a bad thing that they're active. She told me tonight "It's a good thing that they're moving, I don't care if I have to stay here the whole time with my hand on one of the monitors." Because she gets it, and Baby A does NOT like to be tied down by the belts. She kicks and punches it off, but because Sheilla is awesome, she sits with me and holds it just over that baby so as to not upset her.

The past couple days were a little stressful because, well, they can't all be Sheilla. I have definitely been brought to tears a few times in the past few days. Going by other people's routine that they have set for you can be really exhausting when you are used to doing things 100 % your own way. They make me get up at 5 am to check my vitals, then 3 different people will come in at different times all before 7 am to say something to me about my day and to check my belly (for tautness?) and feet (for swelling). Then a team of doctors come in to...in essence...chitchat, but they do it in case I have questions first thing in the morning. That part is good because they are all high risk specialists, but still. Then breakfast...when it comes. Then an ultrasound. Then the NST. (both when they are ready for me). Then I try to get on with my day, but they have to check my vitals every other hour, as well as people who come into clean, get me ice water or towels, stuff like that. Then at night it starts all over again with my pm NST. On top of it I just feel really fragile in general. But the twins are doing really well which makes me so proud, and I would all of this x infinity for them to get here safely.

I don't know what I would do without my dad bringing little Lochlan over & them both hanging out with me every day. The other day he didn't bring him by until like 4:30 and I seriously felt one foot in the grave of death from boredom. My son is definitely my sidekick and I feel so lonely without him! Sometimes he can be a bit of a handful in my room here but I mean, my bed has like 80 buttons on it so I can't really blame him, he IS a baby. :)

I guess this was kind of a sad pity party post but I want to share pictures of my happy moments this weekend because they did happen :)

 

 

 

Let alone...discovering a Chipotle one block up from the hospital!!! Hehe.

 

 

Oh and this is Lochlan's new game...Mess With The Curtains....It kind of makes me cringe wondering if they've ever been laundered but he's so stinkin' cute playing hide and seek:

 

day 6

Spent the morning having hot flashes and nausea, it was just awful. My godsend was that the girls were really cooperative for the NST and it only lasted 30 minutes. But the whole time I had ice chips in my mouth, a cold pack on my chest & forehead, and was being fanned. Oof. I had a little lunch then took a two and half hour nap with my son snuggled up in the crook of my arm--the PERFECT medicine. It's pretty gloomy out today but the leaves are really starting to get vibrant, it's nice to see on my little walks.

Hehe, he is the best little teddy bear!

Conquering everything one pancake breakfast at a time

They knew what's up. Sitting here learning about how Vikings were so obsessed with buttermilk pancakes. They would use dented shields over fire to cook the pancake batter. But they used their swords to turn them over so they wound up being something like a popover-pancake-doughnut situation. There is something so innocent & familiar about enjoying doughy sweets, it is just funny to try to image these blood-thirsty beasts getting pancake crumbs in their beards.

Or maybe it's not funny, and I am just totally already going crazy in the hospital.

 

Anyway I guess you are being a sweetheart & checking into my blog to read about the twins & not diabetic Vikings. The girls look great. They are tracing really well. The ultrasounds are getting more exciting as they switch them into 4d now. Also exciting? There are 2 other ladies on the floor pregnant with MoMos! The cool thing about living in a city of 9 million people is, even if you are going through something that has a 1 in 65,000+ chance of occurring, there will still be 2 people next to you going through the same thing. I met one of them and she just had her Caesarian scheduled for next month. Getting that date penciled in is such a milestone & I am so happy for her!

 

The girls are obviously identical but I am starting to think their noses and chins might be slightly different...I don't know if it's just the angles or not though. What do you think?