The NICU

I toured my future this morning.

The NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) was shown to me. I cannot express how sobering it was to experience it. The first child I came upon was a 29-weeker. (I'm 27 weeks). I've seen many, many pictures of preemies but it is so very different when they are right in front of you.

I've been relatively good about taking this all day by day, but I was obviously very excited to reach viability (23-24 weeks). I did alright seeing the babies that I did today, but I have to admit that if there had been a 23/24-weeker in there, I would have had to step out.

There is no denying that I feel so much more safe staying in the hospital, and that I wouldn't rather my babies be in anyone else's care once they make their grand appearance. As difficult as it was to process what I was seeing and having explained to me, looking at them, I just longed to pick them up and give them a nice cuddle. I wanted to get in that isolette and kiss the bottoms of those tee-tiny feet. The toes, oh, the toes!

In 49 days or less, my preemie ballerinas will be here. The moment they are showing a sign of true distress, or 49 days from now; whichever comes first, that is when I will deliver. It's hard to wrap my brain around it. I cannot believe there's 2 of them! I don't think I'll really believe we're being blessed with twins until I lay my eyes on them and am spending time with them.

Three different people here told me today "stay pregnant!" I'm tryinggg! Trust me, it's all I want. That, and to gain weight. I am really disappointed that I am not only not gaining how I want to, but this week I actually lost a little bit of weight. I mentioned in a different post that I met with the nutritionist here; the dietician came in today to speak with me...In my mind, dietician and nutritionist are interchangeable but by meeting the lady today, it's clear that she is with whom I needed to speak. She is putting me on Ensure drinks 2x a day as well as including high protein snacks along with my meals (& I'm still able to scribble in add-ons to my menus). Every ounce on my babies counts.

I really wanted to make this an eloquent post because the experience I had today really shook up my whole world, and no, I won't ever be the same again. But, I think if I even attempted to get in touch with the part of me that could make this the poetic post that it really does deserve, I'd spend the rest of the night crying in the shower. Instead I will leave it at what it is and share a snip-it from my NST tonight. I am so proud of these girls getting this far, playing nice-nice in there, and letting me carry them to another day. Every day counts.

One-minute video of my ponies galloping tonight (every swoosh is one of them moving) :